Myrtana news 2018/04 + Sometimes I’m too old for this shit
I’m only 28, but I feel like old person. Last year I began to be quite grumpy. How many times I cursed or told for myself:
“I’m sick of your shit!”
“I don’t have time for this shit!”
“Skip the drama for fuck sake!”
“Just leave me alone.”
“What do you want, anyway?”
“Get out of my face or I will to beat you up.”
“What the fuck is this?”
“Why the hell can’t you keep the kitchen and bathroom clean?”
I know I’m frustrated in my life, but apparently the more frustrated I am, the more people appear to cause me even more frustration.
If I was happy, I would just tell them “fuck off” or something more polite..because I was actually happy. But when I’m frustrated, it’s not possible. I don’t have enough energy to send my energy to other people, to fuck off.
Why do I have to be the one with energy and stuff? I know I was always “the wise one”, but I feel like a used and worn out battery now.
I’m not a teacher and I don’t want to teach others how to behave when they can’t understand when I say three times “don’t leave thrash and unwashed plates in the kitchen sink”. What should I do? Beat them up?
Of course I know techniques to recharge myself to radiate energy like a lighthouse, but I miss the motivation most of time. What’s the point, anyway? To be open to the world and lose it to other people?
That brings me to the current state of the Internet. I think it sucks too much energy. So I decided I will full custom setup on myrtana. No fucking social pages or youtube. Not as a primary source. I just….lost trust to every free site. Cambridge Analytics for Facebook, Google removes porn from Google drives, Medium disabled account to Mastodon and spams with the fucking pop up
(in deep awkward voice) “Hi, you’re here 200th time this month, because you read lots of articles about React, let’s make this official.”
I DON’T CARE! I FUCKING HATE ANY ENGAGEMENT. LEAVE ME ALONE! I WANT TO BROWSE WEB ANONYMOUSLY AND MAYBE REGISTER LATER WHEN I FEEL FOR IT.
Actually I had a blog on Medium last year for two weeks. But it was the same old shit over and over again. Your posts, suggested articles. Limited formatting options. I deleted it. I guess, I just don’t trust any web service anymore. I liked Wordpress better, but I won’t go back to it either. Not anymore.
I played World of Warcraft and many other computer games for years and this engagement shit is the same. But I had fun playing games and could leave any time. And go back any time.
And in the old times 13 years ago, I surfed Internet anonymously and for fun. There were guestbooks and shoutboxes, maybe some counter. But now I should register and read what I don’t care about. Interact the way I hate. And be forced. Fuck you.
The point is, I’m quite old. I don’t read everything like I used when I was 11-25 years old.
And I feel I should communicate that. I NEED to be selective, otherwise I feel like wasting my time, because I already read or experienced it. Or don’t trust the article. So, I’m not really engaged about content. Maybe I silently read or skim through if I really have to and then do nothing. Lurking in shadows, because I don’t have motivation, inspiration or energy to do that.
I just can’t write exciting comments about shit I don’t care about. I don’t pretend my feelings.
Many times I feel I should pack my things and leave somewhere far far away for icy lands of nothingness. Not on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube? You are missing out! You’re there? You’re overwhelmed by content you don’t really care about.
Because you design your own content management systems as a hobby and need to read very technical articles or just do it on your own and write blog posts about it.
Want to talk trash or just chill with chit chat without Facebook/Skype/Whatsapp recording every message you send? Not so simple these days. Like recently, Skype rewrote client to React Native and then I saw 8 years old conversations with people I don’t really remember. Or remember, but I just want to forget about them.
I did stupid things in the past which make me uncomfortable now (“WMF is the best format for graphics and you should use Internet Explorer 6”). Or wrote with people I don’t want to see anymore (“you are cool, do you want to chat?”). Why should anyone dig it up? I don’t want to remember my digital life forever. Actually I would like to do a reset. Remove every account of mine in the Internet. Everything. And start over.
Dream on. But I still can do it. I’m not really weak and I can withstand the past. I’m just tired of it. I moved on.
You see, I’m bitching about the Internet now, because I moved on. I see ideal place, where I can trash my ideas and stupid things and people would say honest opinion. Or just something stupid and funny.
Easy to do anonymously and in teenage age. Hard to do now and in adult age. Yes, I need to brainstorm, experiment and ask for feedback. Even just for fun and absurdity.
Hard to find a place. IRCs are good, but I’m lazy to stay connected. Reddit is full of lamers, trolls and griefers. Facebook posts need to be happy and about friendship. Nobody reacts to philosophical pieces and are arrogant otherwise. But not in funny way, but in serious. Instagram? Send cute photos of animals, food or yourself. Don’t forget filters. Twitter? I can’t you hear through all that noise. So why bother, anyways? Is there any other place? I’m sure there is, but I don’t see it.
I can write my stuff here at least. Not much interaction is allowed here though.
Right, news. I broke background images here, so some days it downloads 10 megs image. But hey, it’s cached I think.
Because I rewrote CMS engine from scratch. Well, the design is next evolution, like generation 31, much more simple. But it still misses background images and nice deploy scripts. But at least text renderer is not prematurely optimized spaghetti monster.
So, myrtana GEN 31 will be up soon. And on Github finally. Until now the code was so ugly and I had to, ehm, commit images into repository to handle them properly. But it was an experiment and minimalism. I’m not really afraid of sending images via send_data() because “speed will suck”, because it won’t. Obsession with blind premature optimization makes design so ugly.
P.S. I know, I need to move out somewhere else.